A single adopter's story
I’ve never wanted the standard family life, and I don’t suppose I’ve got it. My experience of adoption has been different to many other people’s experiences, because I’ve never tried for birth children nor never particularly wanted them. For me it’s been a bit of a mixture of a) wanting a child, and b) wanting to help a child, who’s been let down, find some measure of healing and wholeness. I wanted to parent a child who already exists, rather than create a new one.
I was approved by Family Care to adopt a child aged between 5 and 8 years in May. I was very fortunate in that it was only a week or so before the picture and profile of my soon-to-be daughter (aged 5½) appeared in one of the adoption publications. Four months later, in September, she moved in with me after a couple of weeks of introductions. I tried to prepare myself as thoroughly as possible for this massive change, by reading books about adoption and talking with people. That certainly stood me in good stead, but despite it all I was still a bit of a wreck for a while! Half of me was totally immersed in the minutiae of her presence in the home, and the other half of me seemed to be standing back and watching myself pretend to be a Mum!
I don’t have any kind of romantic story to share. I didn’t fall in love with the picture of her in the magazine. I didn’t have a strong conviction that she was "the one". We are SO different mentally, emotionally, physically. But I was drawn to her, and those responsible for her were drawn to me and so we have formed a family. I know in my heart that she’s come to be where she belongs, and that with me she will have the best chance in life she can.
From the beginning of the process right through to now, I’ve found my ears pricking up whenever I hear a mention of single parents. I’ve been quite startled by just how often single parents are presented as being a "problem" or a "matter of concern". I always said to myself that I want to end up with a child for whom a single parent really is the best option. I didn′t want to feel as though I was offering something deficient or even something that was just OK I wanted to be the best option for a child. I actually feel quite proud to be a single parent, because I’m absolutely sure that for my child it IS the best option, and there are other children out there as well who can thrive best in a onetoone relationship.
It’s always a strange thing to try to explain to people, but my memories of my pre-adoption-existence are of things being trite and unfulfilling. Now I feel as though I’ve been immersed deep into the heart of what is really important in life, and I’m on a learning curve which no other life experience could provide. It might sound over-dramatic, but I feel as though if my life counts for nothing else then being true and faithful to this rather troubled child is more than enough. She’s had quite enough homes and carers now she just needs me to give her what every child needs stability, love, protection, and a parent who will fight her corner, and stand by her no matter what the future holds.
I just wish I could learn how to part and plait her hair properly!!